10 Rules To Surviving the Supermarket

First, let me tell you why I hate super market shopping:

My mind mind goes from running at a million random thoughts a minute to going blank when I’m actually using it to recall something. Yesterday I improvised and managed to cook something my partner said he would “pay money to eat”- it was a fluke I had bits in my cupboard that happened to compliment each other. I end up buying things that I like to eat but don’t work together as a meal. Melted cheese on gerkins with Smiley Faces anyone?

I find it tricky to judge how much of each thing I’ll need. I can’t tell you the amount of times a meal has only required four part’s, say Quorn chicken pieces, coconut milk curry paste, veg and I’ve somehow come home with 3 tins of coconut milk, one bag of Quorn, random veg and totally forgot to buy the actual curry for my curry dish!

Frustrated kids throwing hissy fit’s, running toward your legs whilst looking in the opposite direction and generally just being there. Surely supermarkets should have a pen lovely free nursery of some sort?

Lazy shop assistants that have no idea what lactose, gluten, tofu, agave syrup or gram flour mean and have absolutely no intention of ever finding out.

Then we have the super efficient cashiers who zoom all of your shopping through at warp speed, stare at you so you feel obliged to pay up immediately before you’ve finished packing, hand you your receipt, notes and coins in a slippy pile and then start serving the next customer before you’ve managed to get more static-stuck-together bags open. To the cashiers who are reading this – sorry, not sorry.

How to avoid going slightly insane while food shopping

1. Avoid the Saturday mid-day battle field. Weekday shopping is preferable and late night shopping is like leisurely wandering around a giant room where everything is there just for you, at your convenience.
2. Plan ahead. Have a running shopping list in your kitchen so as soon as you use something up you write it down on the list.
3. Re-write your list in the order you will come across it in the isles. No need to back-track or lose track.
4. Have an idea of three meals you would like to cook (or compile from tins and packets if you’re like me) the essential ingredients and a rough amount of those ingredients. Supermarket are not a good place to improv.
5. Bring with you those bags that are tiny but magically unfold into massive ones. I also have a giant across body satchel as my arms are about as strong as two bits of spaghetti.
6. Be friendly to other shoppers. If you are a bit baffled just ask someone that looks like they know what they are doing. Store assistants might know where products are located but not necessarily the best way to cook them. Of course if the person you ask happens to be pretty damn fit then bonus!
7. Priorities. The clothes department is often located at the front and who wants to drag tangle of clothes and coat hangers around with them. Ask the the changing room assistant if they will be on their shift for an hour and will they mind your stuff until you’ve finished your food shopping. It will also make sure you don’t impulse buy those shoes that look a bit on the narrow (and probably painful) side.
8. If you don’t have a car – don’t fill a trolley. Simple. No kindly stranger has ever seen me struggling and offered to carry my shopping home for me. Let’s face it, would you trust them even if they did? This is the reason my 6ft shaved headed partner rarely offers to be a knight in shinning er, army boots to struggling women any more.
9. Use the self checkout. I know, I know they’re a pain. #Unexpected item in bagging area# “Yes, it’s me you f&%k wit!” but it allows you take all the time in the world to bag your heaviest stuff at the bottom so as not squash the rest and to spread the weight out equally between your bags so their easier to carry. Plus your not tempted to buy anything from the chocolate stand they hem you in with as you’re queuing.
10. Now breath and relax. If I beep going through the doors on the way out I just casually carry on walking at the same pace unless a security asks me to wait a minute. I don’t panic and look wildly around, therefore accidentally making myself look as guilty as sin lol

I have to give credit to my Mum for tip number 2 and 3. Thankfully, she is such an organised person.